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i saw this at one of the subbie forums and thought it should be shared
Over the past few years we Bubbas have refined and honed the Underground Upgrade Club (U.U.C.) to a fine art. It requires skill, cunning and a knowledge of the enemy's patterns and intel capability (that would be the wife, or Significant Other (S.O.)). You have to be quick on your feet, sharp of wit, and NEVER underestimate your opponent. If this looks like a plan set up by the C.I.A., well ...... they stole our ideas.
First off, you must remember: CASH IS KING. Never leave a paper trail on your upgrade purchases. Tell your suppliers you are (!!Oh-Mai-Gawd!!)
sending cash though the mail. It's the kiss of death, otherwise. Take an extra twenty bucks outta the ATM each week and stick it in the coffee can next to the tool box. That's your upgrade stash and no one ever looks in rusty cans on your shelf. Credit cards are absolutely no good. You can only write checks if the Mrs. doesn't know your password to Quicken on the
'puter.
Next, you need a SAFE HOUSE to do your upgrades. This is a buddy's house where you are going to do the actual work. When its time to do the upgrade, the story is "I'm goin' over to Fred's house to help him work on his car".? In reality, you're going to Fred's house to choreograph an installation ballet you've set up for YOUR car. Reciprocate in kind.
Then, have a SHIP DROP ZONE at a business where a buddy can take your UPS or freight on the upgrade and hold it for you until you pick it up. The S.O. has spies and alliances within a 3-block radius of your home so never deliver into your neighborhood to another house, no matter how freindly the occupant may be to your cause or you will get caught.
AMASS TALENT. Get three or four Bimwad buds that know an rachet from an open end wrench to meet at the Safe House when its time to do the Upgrade. Ya'll jump in together to do the work sort of like the Amish do barn-raisin' in 'WITNESS'. See, ya gotta have the job finished when you come back home from Fred's House later that evening. Time is critical and the install must go off like clockwork so get your parts lined up ahead of time.
COMMUNICATIONS are to be only via e-mail to set the work up. Remember the enemy is sharp and possesses excellent recon intel capabilites. It is imperative to stay away from telephones and voice mail/recorders when setting up your logistics. Never leave unencrypted messages.
At the pre-appointed time you and your team sortie and engage the work like Panzers rolling into Poland. Lubricate all attendees liberally with Rolling Rock and supply Nacho Doritos for nourishment. Boost morale by promising fantasy-filled dalliances with HOOTERS wimmen upon successfully completion of the tasks at hand. Although there's not a chance in hell that you'll
actually make it to HOOTERS that night, the troops like to think ya'll will and it will keep their spirits up.
Sell safety items on their own merit. Generally it has been determined that spousal units will support safety upgrades (which are usually highly visible an impossible to conceal, like roll bars, harnesses, etc.) and save the UUC upgrades for performance items. However, be prepared for the dreaded SIC (Safety Item Comeback) which defies male logic with retorts like: "If you stopped going to the track you wouldn't NEED safety upgrades, right? Why not coach lil' Johnnies T-Ball instead?". Your usual response to this will be to mumble something unintelligible as you head off to take out the trash.
When you do get caught with a post-install upgrade....and you will.....the sharp UUC'er will have his story ready. For example:
S.O.: "What did you do to the car? It rides really rough and seems lower to the ground?"
You: "Ahhhh...yes honey, the car DOES ride a little harder. I made an adjustment to the castor by shimiming the kingpins and tensioning the rear torsion bar using some replacement Delrin bushings with an offset camber angle adjustment of - 2.0 degrees and let some air out of the tires".
(this is told in lieu of declaring the entire Bilstein Sport, H&R Spring, R-D Sport Sway Bar, K-MAC Camber Plate upgrade....chaaaacCHING... $2,000)
S.O.: "And how much do these Delrin Bushings cost?"
You: "Oh, those are pretty cheap...only $ 35 for the set". (This is not a lie, you just didn't use any).
S.O.: "Hrrrummpp...$ 35 for bushings???!!! That could have gone in the fund for the new carpet in the house. Well, I don't like the way it rides.
I'm not going to drive it now".
You (casually): "Oh really? I hardly even noticed the difference. <massively stifling urge to yell out : "YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"> We'll get that carpet for you ...ahh....next year.
Situation: Handled.
That's how its done by the masters.....
The only possible way this all blows up in your face is when you wanna sell the car (or you total it) and they only want to pay you book value for it. Take it like a man and MAKE SURE you do not make little moaning and upset noises if your S.O. is present or else she may finally figure out you have a 3-year-old; 60,000 M3.
Over the past few years we Bubbas have refined and honed the Underground Upgrade Club (U.U.C.) to a fine art. It requires skill, cunning and a knowledge of the enemy's patterns and intel capability (that would be the wife, or Significant Other (S.O.)). You have to be quick on your feet, sharp of wit, and NEVER underestimate your opponent. If this looks like a plan set up by the C.I.A., well ...... they stole our ideas.
First off, you must remember: CASH IS KING. Never leave a paper trail on your upgrade purchases. Tell your suppliers you are (!!Oh-Mai-Gawd!!)
sending cash though the mail. It's the kiss of death, otherwise. Take an extra twenty bucks outta the ATM each week and stick it in the coffee can next to the tool box. That's your upgrade stash and no one ever looks in rusty cans on your shelf. Credit cards are absolutely no good. You can only write checks if the Mrs. doesn't know your password to Quicken on the
'puter.
Next, you need a SAFE HOUSE to do your upgrades. This is a buddy's house where you are going to do the actual work. When its time to do the upgrade, the story is "I'm goin' over to Fred's house to help him work on his car".? In reality, you're going to Fred's house to choreograph an installation ballet you've set up for YOUR car. Reciprocate in kind.
Then, have a SHIP DROP ZONE at a business where a buddy can take your UPS or freight on the upgrade and hold it for you until you pick it up. The S.O. has spies and alliances within a 3-block radius of your home so never deliver into your neighborhood to another house, no matter how freindly the occupant may be to your cause or you will get caught.
AMASS TALENT. Get three or four Bimwad buds that know an rachet from an open end wrench to meet at the Safe House when its time to do the Upgrade. Ya'll jump in together to do the work sort of like the Amish do barn-raisin' in 'WITNESS'. See, ya gotta have the job finished when you come back home from Fred's House later that evening. Time is critical and the install must go off like clockwork so get your parts lined up ahead of time.
COMMUNICATIONS are to be only via e-mail to set the work up. Remember the enemy is sharp and possesses excellent recon intel capabilites. It is imperative to stay away from telephones and voice mail/recorders when setting up your logistics. Never leave unencrypted messages.
At the pre-appointed time you and your team sortie and engage the work like Panzers rolling into Poland. Lubricate all attendees liberally with Rolling Rock and supply Nacho Doritos for nourishment. Boost morale by promising fantasy-filled dalliances with HOOTERS wimmen upon successfully completion of the tasks at hand. Although there's not a chance in hell that you'll
actually make it to HOOTERS that night, the troops like to think ya'll will and it will keep their spirits up.
Sell safety items on their own merit. Generally it has been determined that spousal units will support safety upgrades (which are usually highly visible an impossible to conceal, like roll bars, harnesses, etc.) and save the UUC upgrades for performance items. However, be prepared for the dreaded SIC (Safety Item Comeback) which defies male logic with retorts like: "If you stopped going to the track you wouldn't NEED safety upgrades, right? Why not coach lil' Johnnies T-Ball instead?". Your usual response to this will be to mumble something unintelligible as you head off to take out the trash.
When you do get caught with a post-install upgrade....and you will.....the sharp UUC'er will have his story ready. For example:
S.O.: "What did you do to the car? It rides really rough and seems lower to the ground?"
You: "Ahhhh...yes honey, the car DOES ride a little harder. I made an adjustment to the castor by shimiming the kingpins and tensioning the rear torsion bar using some replacement Delrin bushings with an offset camber angle adjustment of - 2.0 degrees and let some air out of the tires".
(this is told in lieu of declaring the entire Bilstein Sport, H&R Spring, R-D Sport Sway Bar, K-MAC Camber Plate upgrade....chaaaacCHING... $2,000)
S.O.: "And how much do these Delrin Bushings cost?"
You: "Oh, those are pretty cheap...only $ 35 for the set". (This is not a lie, you just didn't use any).
S.O.: "Hrrrummpp...$ 35 for bushings???!!! That could have gone in the fund for the new carpet in the house. Well, I don't like the way it rides.
I'm not going to drive it now".
You (casually): "Oh really? I hardly even noticed the difference. <massively stifling urge to yell out : "YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"> We'll get that carpet for you ...ahh....next year.
Situation: Handled.
That's how its done by the masters.....
The only possible way this all blows up in your face is when you wanna sell the car (or you total it) and they only want to pay you book value for it. Take it like a man and MAKE SURE you do not make little moaning and upset noises if your S.O. is present or else she may finally figure out you have a 3-year-old; 60,000 M3.
I been using all those strategies for 18 years now .You gotta be careful with the 1099s also...... if you have bonuses that are under the radar,USPS can rat ya out .
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